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A blog for Catholic men that seeks to encourage virtue, the pursuit of holiness and the art of true masculinity.
Get Married, Young Man, Part 5: How to Meet Good Women
February 6, 2014
This post is part of a series on dating and marriage.
Previously, I wrote a list of things you should look for in a wife. Now, you might be thinking, That’s nice, but how on earth do I find a quality woman?
That’s a fair question. The problem in answering it is that there are dozens of ways to meet women, and no correct formula for meeting Miss Right. Sometimes meeting your spouse is a seemingly random act of providence that you could never have planned. Or maybe your future spouse is your high school sweetheart. The possibilities are endless.
And that’s why it’s so important to pray as you seek a spouse. God, in his providence, can arrange circumstances or seemingly chance meetings that you could never have planned.
But no matter how you meet your spouse, trust me, there are many beautiful, virtuous, and holy young women out there, and they are praying for a husband.
1. Church – The best way, in my opinion, to meet a good Catholic woman is through your parish. Find a parish with reverent liturgy and strong catechesis— quality women seem to be drawn to sacredness, truth, and beauty. Then, get involved in your parish’s community life. Don’t dash for the door the moment mass ends, but rather get to know people and serve in various capacities.
2. Friends – Your friends know people you don’t. That’s a fact. And if you have good friends, they probably know quality women. If you hang out with the right kind of people, it will highly increase your chances of meeting a virtuous woman.
3. Volunteering – If you’re passionate about a specific cause, volunteer with an organization that advocates for it. a good place to meet women who share your beliefs.
4. School – If you’re a college student, or will be soon, your years in college can provide many opportunities for meeting women. If you go to a state school, get involved with the Catholic community on your campus (hopefully there is one). If you go to a strong Catholic college, even better.
5. Online – A few years ago, I would never, ever have recommended dating online. I determined I would never do it, and I figured that if you chose that path, you were either desperate or crazy. Then I met my wife. Online. To make a long story short, we both read an article in Christianity Today about a small, niche dating site for Christians of a Calvinist persuasion (we are converts). We both signed up, I sent her a message, and the rest is history.
Now, I will say that dating online requires an extra degree of caution. It is very easy to fake a persona or be generally deceptive. Still, because I met my wife online, and she is a wonderful woman, I can’t rule it out as a possible avenue for meeting a spouse. But I wouldn’t recommend it as the first option either.
Conclusion
There is no formula for meeting your future spouse, but there are things you can do to increase the chances of meeting the right kind of women. Remember, meeting a good woman is only half the battle. After you’ve met her, you have to be overcome your fear of rejection and actually ask her out. But that’s another topic.
If you’re married, how did you meet your wife? What suggestions do you have?
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The numbering is off.
Thanks…fixed.
I heard of a good Calvinist pick-up line once. “Hey there, your name must be Grace because I find you irresistible.” Not sure if you used that one or not….
Thanks for all your continued great advice!
Haha! That’s great. 🙂
Good stuff, Sam. As always.
Met my wife at a Catholic Parish open mic night.
Reblogged this on Catholic Men Chicago Southland and commented:
In place of this weeks “Weekend Wisdom” thought I’d share these valuable tips from The Catholic Gentleman blog. Have a great weekend and keep warm ( if you’re here in Chicago ) !!! – Frank
Those are certainly good places to meet. But then you need to get a girl to like you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxbTHKQm00g
And learn to play guitar!
Can you tell me how to meet good Catholic men? Thanks!
Well, I’m unmarried so what do I know, hey? 🙂 But I recently went on a very good Catholic Bible study weekend and there were plenty of nice men there. I think the advice in this post works for women hoping to find good men too, although a particular challenge might be that there seem to be fewer young men at Mass than young women. I think that can be overcome by sticking to the more reverent parishes or trying out EF parishes.
Wish my sister could even meet a fellow! Long Island NY seems to be a barren waste land when trying to find a date, let alone a boyfriend. I have called and written just about all the Catholic churches on LI and asked “you have functions for seniors, youth groups, etc, but nothing for the lost generation of single people in their 30’s, 40’s.” I got ungotz from them. Oh, and “Catholicmatch.com” just asks questions about sex. Not good for someone who was an assault victim. We give up! PS: I met my hubby at work.
It is one of the hardest thing today for many of us Single men looking for a Good woman to settle down with, and it is like looking for a needle in a haystack. A Good man like me would know how to treat a woman very well and with respect too.
Okay…Mr Good Real Answer…so where are you?
You wrote “trust me, there are many beautiful, virtuous, and holy young women out there, and they are praying for a husband.”
That’s just like a blogger in my diocese who wrote, and I quote: “trust me, if you are a good Catholic man with good hygiene and social skills, and a job helps, you will find a woman! I cannot tell you how many middle aged women are desiring a Catholic husband!”
Why do you write this stuff? Sorry, but “trust” won’t get the job done. I don’t believe either of you.
I’ve lived in my diocese for my entire adult life, almost 30 years now, far away from family. I’ve attended mass every week, and generally played by the “rules”. With a good career and exemplary hygiene, no less. And _never_ met any single Catholic women. When parishes do nothing to help the constantly shrinking pool of singles as much as identify each other, what do you expect?
The local blogger doesn’t believe me at all. She’ll continue to write about the herds of virtuous women. I’ve tried to tell her that these women simply don’t exist. Or that these are the women who do online dating but only want “pen pals”. When it’s time to meet, they turn skittish. And continue to claim “boo hoo, there are no men.”
Maybe it’s 25 years too late to help me, but I’ve decided to start standing up to that ridiculous claim.
I used to pray to meet potential wives. Beginning in my late 20’s, the prayers got more urgent. Into my 30’s, they probably became desperate. And now in my late 40’s, I realize that they were futile: I prayed for someone who never existed.
The only consolation is that I know I’m not alone. Look around your parish church this Sunday, probably near the back. You’ll find the singles there.
I feel even more sorry for today’s young men and women, since they seem not to know how to interact, with their heads buried in a phone at all times.
In my experience many women have this attitude where the faith is important to them but only to a certain extent. They have this “go out and experience the world while you are young” attitude, marriage for them is more about mutual assistance (being friends) than it is about raising kids. (the primary and secondary ends of marriage are practically on the same level for them) The result of this attitude is that they ignore warnings against things like yoga or reading books like harry potter, and they are obsessed with learning NFP right away even if there are no serious reasons for it. Guys are generally more attracted to traditional Catholicism which teaches hard truths that oppose some of the above things, thus the result is there is a disconnect between young men and young women. At least, I feel like if I want to ever get married I have to take my faith less seriously and be more worldly. Which, I steadfastly refuse to do, I’m just going to delve even deeper into my faith, girls be damned.
woah woah woah. you are coming across as extremely pretentious, confused and narrow minded. being a authentic, practicing Catholic, and yoga/harry potter are not mutually exclusive. I am a homeschooled, Latin mass-attending, TOB reading, Catholic university graduate who teaches Catechism classes and has a serious love for yoga and harry potter. perhaps women seem to be “obsessed” with learning NFP because regulation of the number and spacing of children is a part of responsible parenthood (Catechism, 2368 & 2399), and the thought of carrying a body inside your own is totally wild, awesome and life changing. until i can find someone who is not as nit picky as you seem to be, i too will just delve deeper in my faith, keep reading HP, and doing my stretches, boys be damned.
“warnings against things like yoga or reading books like harry potter” ??
“Guys are generally more attracted to traditional Catholicism” ??
Huh? I mean…. just… huh?
Fringe personal beliefs are really going to limit your ability to meet and communicate with people. You claim to be OK with that, but I’m telling you, your opinions have you closed into a really really small “box”. I’m sorry to see that.
Larry is right. Where’s the (non-existent) Catholic community anymore?? I go to the latin mass (it’s my preference) and I never see any single women (85 year old windows don’t count). I’m 44 in the same diocese as Larry (Phoenix).
I’ve never dated, ever and just never happened. Came back tom y faith when I was 28 and thought I would find a nice Catholic girl” / marry but in time I realized that this was most likely never gonna happen for the reasons Larray and others outlined.
Gone are the days a true Catholic community and I refuse to run after / chase down a woman in the parking lot after mass if I see no ring, etc. I also sit at the very front pew EVERY mass. I hate being disturbed by people, etc. and I come early and stay way afterward so that probably doesn’t help my ‘approachability’. There was a comment by “Lisa” in another article on another blog on this topic and she, I and Larry are in the same boat/ same age pretty much. SHe works as a nurse and says she has no vocation and that her job is nothing at the end of the day. That’s how I feel. I make fine $ and own my own condo outright but at the end of the day or even when working what’s the point.
The bottom line is I know Christ is real and so is hell and eternity is a lot longer than the 8-5 or even 44-death!
I started attending the latin mass about a year ago. before then I went to the NO mass and I mention this since I also found the same dynamic at NO parishes.
I cannot remember when I stopped looking for a date (in or out of the church) – yes, it’s been that long.
I seem invisible to the world at large and the church too.
I’ve noticed (not the reason I switched) that the FSSP parish here in Phoenix is easier to fit in (for me Larry) compared to the big NO parishes.
Larry has tons of great comments on Disque all should read.
Amen!
I guess we just gotta trust God Larry. I know what you mean though – I have been to almost every parish in my diocese of over 1 million, and there are veeeery few single gals aged 20-50 in the Church now. And those few that are there seem to rush out of Mass straight after communion, so you never get a chance to talk to them. So that’s Sam’s option 1 out, and that was the most rational option.
Option 2 – see above. If there are virtually no people your own age in your Church, the odds are extremely high your friends will be atheists (mine are), so you won’t meet good Catholics through them. Ditto option 4, as you may not be at a Catholic college (for academic reasons), or there may be no Catholic college in your nation (the case for me). And with study and work time pressures, option 3 is usually wishful thinking. Which leaves option 5 – online dating, but most of us are wary of that because of repeated claims it has a low success rate and the social stigma around it. Oh, and if you’re not from the US then there are few/no local people on Christian websites, so you have travel/cost barriers too.
I’m just trusting in Jesus that He will guide us to what He wants us to do in life. But it would be nice if our clergy and bishops got off their backsides and did something to help; like Lisa above says – it’s a nuclear wasteland out there for single Catholics between 20-50.
God bless, SB.
“Nuclear wasteland.” Interesting analogy. I have read old science fiction stories about such global disasters, in which only a small handful of people were left to repopulate the earth. In those stories, people can’t afford to be picky about their potential spouses, they need to make more people so the human race doesn’t die out. Single young Church-believing Catholics are in a similar circumstance.
Using myself as an example (since I feel that I am called to marriage), I might like another Italian-American, but those are rare except in the hyper-liberal east coast area, and since orthodox Catholics are so few, being picky about ethnicity would not make sense. I have to be open to marrying a Catholic whose family is (for example) German or Irish—or even someone of a different “race” (I use quotes because race is a fairly arbitrary category). Ethnicity is only one factor in which I must be open-minded if I am to find a devout Catholic wife who is compatible with me (and vice versa) and young enough to have children.
If there are no young single devout Catholics around, a good idea would be to move where there are, as I intend to do (I live near San Francisco, enough said). If you were starving, it would make sense to go where there is food.
If you spend many years on this problem and get nowhere, it may be that God’s will for your life is something different—perhaps the priesthood, the religious life, or something else? Or maybe there’s a sinful habit that He’s waiting for you to abandon first (that’s what kept me from hearing the call to marriage for so long). Numbers don’t stop God; He brought Isaac and Rebecca together when most of the world had fallen into idolatry, and He brought Noah and his wife together when they were the last two devout people anywhere. If He wants something to happen, He will make it happen.
“And those few that are there seem to rush out of Mass straight after communion, so you never get a chance to talk to them” and you Online dating comment too. one word – “Yep :(“
Nuclear wasteland for single Catholics 20-50 is exactly right. There are no herds of single women out there looking for husbands. There are only lonely, isolated, sparsely scattered single women, like the men, who can’t find any one to date or marry and wonder why no one in the Church thinks this is a problem or wants to help.
JT and Frank: “Yep!” 🙁
And that’s the biggest problem we have JT, no one wants to help. I see so many isolated people who yern for marriage, but can’t find anyone. It’s said time and time again that there’s a population crisis within the Church (4/5 leave after they turn 18), but no one ever addresses it. Even a simple “We acknowledge this problem exists” would be nice.
They exist, but they’re in really low numbers. I’d say about 5-15 for every 100,000 people, and not all of them will be ones you necessarily connect with.
So it’s a crisis indeed, and I wish more would be done like masses said, or even if there was a day dedicated for praying for those who are single and are called to marriage.
Yep Tristam, dust in a hurricane is what image comes to my mind.
Hi guys, I am Allan Carlo
Thanks for the Tip.
Still finding the one. But yes I think all of them are good sources of women.
I believe that these places can be opportunities to look for women. But, for online, I think Tindr and other apps for dating are not good given that there are some bad reputation portrayed on news and media. Maybe, we should be prudent in looking people online (what site we are going into… etc).
I met my fiancé online. For the longest time I refused to try online dating. I went to a good traditional parish and I figured I’d meet someone there eventually. For five years my fiancé and I attended that same parish, only he went to Mass at a different time. It took for us to go online to meet eachother. Definitely Divine Providence.
When did parishes stop having dances and picnics and so on… “come one, come all” community activities? Ask your parents or your grandparents how many people used to meet and date and eventually marry with the help of the “parish social network”. And I don’t mean clique stuff like Young Adults or bible study… I mean social activities where you could meet people of all ages simply to socialize. This is the great failure of Church life today. Out of one side of its mouth, it promotes marriage and pressures young people to “discern their vocation”… but does nothing to help make it happen. Little wonder that Church marriages have fallen to near zero now.
Online dating simply doesn’t work for many people. I’m glad it worked for you, but when I tried it, I learned that I simply can’t develop an interest in someone that I don’t already know or “know of” in person. And really, should you have to go online to find someone who attends your parish? Isn’t it sad that in five years, there was never a social activity where you might have met?
This particular parish isn’t my home parish though. I just travel there to attend Mass in the EF. But I agree. Social activities in parishes are definitely lacking.
Larry, once again you hit the nail on the head.
That’s another good point Mary, not just scattered in place but time too so to speak.
Is there going to be another post for this series???? I absolutely loved it and soaked up every bit of information! This stuff helps, even for those who are discerning the priesthood. I am in that position, so I am kind of in a transitional phase right now before I leave for seminary, but I am completely open to where God leads me. Prayers would be appreciated!
You say that the “best way, in [your] opinion” is through Church, but this isn’t the kind of article for doling out opinions. Tell me the best in your EXPERIENCE because my experience has been that both in-parish, and travelling to other parish churches, there just aren’t many single, attractive, and truly conservatively, devout catholic women approaching mid-20, approaching 30. Now, it may be a regional thing, but I’m not moving out of region because it might mean I’ll meet a good woman.
You can even drop the “truly conservative” and “devout” labels (since they are subjective): There are no single Catholic women of any age, that are interested in meeting single Catholic men. I’m sure that I’m right.
But if I’m wrong, the Church provides no opportunities for these two groups to mingle. I’ve started asking my local parishes about having events that singles would be motivated to attend. When everything is “Marriage Encounter” and “Retrouvaille” and “Couples Date Night” and “Family Mass night”, there’s just no reason for singles to get involved. Anyway, the response from the parishes has been either that piteous “You’re not married? What’s wrong with you?” look that singles know all too well, or an insincere “give us your name and we’ll get back to you”, which of course they never do.
“the Church provides no opportunities for these two groups to mingle” – Yep! 🙁
As a single Catholic lady very much trying to meet a real Catholic man, maybe you should try introducing yourself. The Church is our Spiritual Mother, but not our parents and not our matchmaker. Priests should be most busy with the sacraments. If we want community, we have to build it mutually. Befriend singles and couples, old and young. Your friends will introduce you to people. I was in a seniors Bible study and after a few months they tried to set me up with every Catholic gent they knew– only people who have ever even offered to introduce me to someone. Sadly, the guys never showed any interest in even meeting me.
Let’s stop relying on someone else to do this for us. Our local communities and families are more loosely knit than a generation ago, but they don’t have to stay that way. It isn’t rocket science — humans have found mates before we had language. Use the new tech to your advantage and try saying hello!
We’ve been saying – quite clearly, I think – that Catholic parishes (no, not “the Church” itself, nor the priests… but the parish “community”) no longer provide ways for working-age adult singles to identify each other, for introductions to take place, or to make friends.
Your “seniors bible study” is a perfect example of the cliques found in today’s parishes. It’s segregated by age, probably at a time when working folks couldn’t possibly attend, and of course only relevant to those who would attend “bible study” in the first place.
The Church talks on and on about the importance of marriage. And for centuries, parishes provided the community life that supported the formation of friendships, couples, and families. That’s not “relying on someone else to do this for us”, it’s simply providing the framework and opportunities for Catholic people to meet and socialize. That’s all gone now. As a result, the Catholic marriage rate is now all but zero and no one really seems to care.
My wife and I met when she was 14 and I was 17 at a party of a mutual friend. I was only nominally Catholic in those days and she was a Methodist. Not to sound corny but I noticed her as soon as she walked in. She came in with a friend of mine (he drove her but they weren’t “together”) and so I at first wrote her off as a loose girl because I thought she was his flavor of the week. After another “friend” was hitting on her and making her seem uncomfortable I stepped in to rescue her and we hit it off. 16 years later I’m a fourth degree KoC revert, she’s a convert, and we have four beautiful children. I never stop thanking God for her and the positive impact that my saintly wife has played in my life.
Great article! There are so many ways to meet people these days.
I would add to no3 – join a ministry!
Which we are meant to be doing anyway. Meet so many people!
Reading some of the comments here, I’d like to say, some of you need to switch your focus. If you tell yourself there are ‘none’ out there, you won’t find them. This is how our minds work. If you walk around with a scarcity mindset, you’ll attract that into your life.
I can say from personal experience that there is an abundance of quality women in our church. I’ve met dozens and I’ve only been Catholic since coming into the church at Easter.
If your parish has nothing for your age group… CREATE a group! Most likely there are many also wishing for a group. Take action!
Get out there guys and change that mindset. 😉
Ha- this article is great. I’m recently single, 37- with a 16 year old son. Living in a small-ish community. There aren’t any single guys at my church other than older gentlemen. I don’t know that i’m necessarily ready to meet someone, but Catholic will be a pretty requisite this time because my faith has become the most important thing for me. I’be never been married (just lived with my son’s father for years before realizing the toxic situation I was in).
Part of me feels like i’ll be single and chaste for the rest of my life. “Dating” won’t be something that I do- I can’t imagine any guy that isn’t devoutlying catholic understanding my need to remain chaste- especially since I have a teenage son. I’m not worried about it- if that’s what God wants from me- then i’ll make the sacrifice and offer it up as penance for my years and years of sinful living).
I do plan to get involved with some volunteering though- and i’m seriously wanting to start going to retreats.
One thing’s for sure- i’m not looking.. if he’said out there- God will put him in my path.
Eek- for the record- I typed this up on my phone and forgot to check it for errors before posting
Ironically I met the girl I’ve taken out a couple times because I was dashing out of the doors after Mass haha
I know this series is about finding the right woman to hopefully marry someday, but it is crucial, just as David, the seminarian, has briefly mentioned in some sense. He is discerning for the priesthood, but he read this series about marriage because he seems open to God’s will and wants to discern all options. I point that out because I as a single Catholic woman want to marry a man who has opened his heart to God’s will first and foremost. So far I have read what you men want and how you are frustrated in not finding the right woman, but I have not really seen that you desire authentic union with God. That’s your ultimate vocation: not marriage or even the priesthood.
Union with God comes in so many ways: either in marriage, priesthood, singleness, etc. If God has not provided the woman, look into yourselves and ask yourself if you have been focused on what you want or on what God wants for you. Maybe He wants you to be single and dedicate your life to Him. Or maybe you’re single because you’re not yet ready for marriage despite being in your middle years. Orienting our lives towards Him is our true vocation!!
Don’t wait for her. God doesn’t want that because He desires to be close to you first. Everything is possible with Him and if you are called to marriage, He will provide the right woman. My experience with the man I dated was beautiful because his longing in his heart was to be holy for God and I found that attractive because I also want to be holy for God and we were there to support each other on our journeys.
I appreciate you sharing your experience of meeting your wife online. It’s amazing how far technology has come to help us meet people over the internet now. I think that it’s important for you to have a way to connect with people that may not be nearby who share some of your similar values so you can eventually find a someone who is a good fit for you.
Praying for my one and only..