A Guide to the Temperaments for Fathers

Jesus knew better than to try to lead and guide each soul exactly the same. To one our Lord seems tender and forgiving, to another fierce and exact, and to another patient but firm. Fathers, likewise, guide their families based on knowing and loving each member as they are. He must know how they react and respond so as to be able to prudently bring them to truth and ultimately to heaven. And, if he is truly wise, he knows that knowing others means you also know yourself.

“One of the most reliable means of learning to know oneself is the study of the temperaments,” says Fr. Conrad Hock, author of Know Thyself. “For if a man is fully cognizant of his temperament, he can learn easily to direct and control himself. If he is able to discern the temperament of others, he can better understand and help them.”

The temperaments are an ancient and refined description of how we tend to respond based on whether we are choleric (resolute, determined), melancholic (grave, reflective), sanguine (spontaneous, outgoing), or phlegmatic (steady, calm). We all have a mix of temperaments in us, but everyone tends to have some that are more pronounced and dominant. Knowing your temperament reveals why some vices are seemingly harder for you to fight and why some virtues seem to come more easily. As St. Thomas Aquinas says, men have a “natural inclination to virtue by reason of [their] natural temperament,” which means the good in us can come easily, but the things we really need to work on might be hidden from our sight. We tend to only know our qualities and presume we have them because of discipline or effort, but in reality they simply come easily and, conversely, the virtues we really need are left uncultivated.

This guide helps fathers understand how their temperament affects their household, from their financial habits to why some people (children and spouse included) might just “rub him wrong” while others are easy to get along with. Understanding temperaments makes empathy, a critical exercise of love, possible, because without this knowledge we simply don’t understand why someone may react and think so differently from ourselves. We also consider the ways temperament affects a father’s life in the community, and recommend a number of spiritual tools that are suited to him. Since most people tend to have two dominant temperaments, we’ve included insights into the mixed temperaments as well with each section. Those insights are based on the work of Dr. Ryan Hanning and Tom Peterson, as outlined in their book, The Willpower Advantage.

To dispel any doubt that understanding the temperaments is worth your time, note that this insight originates in perennial and trustworthy philosophy, comes through Christendom to us from the ancients, and, when appreciated, appears as something obvious from direct experience (i.e. when you see it, you’ll immediately recognize the truth of it). Aquinas doesn’t treat the temperaments directly, but presumes his reader knows them — i.e., they are so obvious that they do not require detailed exposition. Shakespeare knew about the temperaments and based his characters on their personification (like in Henry IV). St. Teresa of Avila, a masterful guide for religious souls, advises that spiritual leaders be very careful to understand temperaments, or they won’t be able to understand and guide souls in their care effectively. The bottom line is that temperaments are a trustworthy framework for understanding human nature and tendencies.

As the head of the home, a father cannot merely impose law and structure from the top down. Rather, he must imitate His Father in heaven and enter into the hearts of those he guides so as to lead them with truth and love. This guide will help you do that.

If you don’t know your temperament, you can find one of the many free assessments online.

Choleric Father

The eyes of a choleric father are “resolute, firm, energetic, fiery,” says Fr. Hock. His steps move forward like a charge. His hands are trained and ready to attack enemies. He defends his post.

Cholerics often have a keen mind and easily enjoy the intellectual side of the faith. That said, a choleric man can lack sensitivity in regard to how his actions affect others. Arguments for orthodoxy and apologetics come more easily than compassion and giving measured counsel. As Fr. Hock remarks, “He is a man of reason while his emotions are poor and stunted.”

Key Traits: Strong-willed, decisive, goal-driven, passionate.

Influence on the Family

Because of his bold and willful inclination, the choleric father is ready to charge forward to accomplish goal after goal. This is good inasmuch as he brings discipline and direction to a family. What he may miss is that his family is not a company or a sports team. Just because he is goal-oriented doesn’t mean he can easily support the goals of others. He wants people in his boat and doesn’t care to get in another’s boat. And because he may not recognize when he has hurt members of the household or simply left them behind, he can find himself isolated. Without healthy self-awareness and humility, he runs the risk of standing “alone and is disliked… [yet] he will not admit that and he prides himself on his precision. Although he can have an outburst, his calmness is also a method of dominance, of not letting his passions be overruled by another, and of staying in control. “You will do what I say” is his spoken or unspoken mantra.

What Finances Look Like

Choleric fathers can easily be absorbed in their work because they can set clear and high goals and reach them. They can also dance with danger by justifying miserliness or unethical practices to reach a goal. He easily becomes controlling and touchy about his money, and generosity to others is difficult. He is sure anyone who needs “his resources” needs them because they are not as worthy as he is of them. His success can build the monetary wealth of a home while also diminishing its inner life because money can replace emotional availability with financial provision, putting wealth in the place of affection. “I’ve made a nice life for you, so what do you have to complain about?” He can pass on to his kids the lie that money and success is a sign of virtue and power.

Community Influence

Because of his strong passions, intelligence, and love of goals, a choleric father can likely take charge or exert significant influence in a community. If his rough edges are worn down in real community, his leadership can serve many. What he often fails to see is that he is dismissive or derisive of others and that his inner desire to dominate harms the community he claims to serve. His self-delusion will be that he is simply more disciplined or intelligent than others – they are lazy, weak, incompetent. His passion can inspire others, but when he finds opposition, he will struggle to be peaceful and fraternal. He has no problem despising those God has called him to love and couldn’t care less if he has wounded them, rarely, if ever, asking for forgiveness.

Virtues That Come Easily

It is said that, when disciplined and directed, cholerics more easily ascend toward holiness. Fr. Hock says most canonized saints are either choleric or melancholic. Their fortitude comes naturally, which helps them with virtues of self-discipline and order. Once converted to a life of devotion, their zeal does not wane. They are disinclined against the emotional indulgence of some vices, the indecision of others, and they even easily overcome sins of the flesh more easily than other temperaments. They do not know sloth.

Vices That Come Easily

The choleric easily falls into vices of pride and vainglory, though he can cloak them in what he sees as “leadership.” Fr. Hock quotes someone as saying, “The choleric prefers to die rather than humble himself.” He thinks much of himself and little of others. “He has two heads and no heart.” His anger is easily aroused, especially if he feels shamed or humiliated. If he thinks someone does not admire or praise him as he thinks he deserves, he is ready to ridicule and ostracize without remorse.

Countering these vices will mean intentionally seeking to be meek, humble, compassionate, and gentle. Learning how to compliment, thank, and praise others will help him.

Temperament Interactions in Family

With Sanguine Spouse/Child

A choleric is simply confused at the indecision or lack of focus of a sanguine. He does not understand how they can so comfortably procrastinate and leave a task undone. Yet, their warmth and flexibility is something he lacks, and so can balance and teach him to be more humane within the home. A choleric father can help the sanguine learn fortitude, which is harder for them.

With Melancholic Spouse/Child

The choleric father may misunderstand or be dismissive of the morose or broody tendency of a melancholic. Because he may resist his assertiveness, he can be enraged at what he sees as disobedience and self-absorption, calling them touchy and depressing. Yet, if he learns to value their thoughtfulness and deeper sense of life and relationships, the melancholic family member can be a trustworthy source of correction. The choleric father can help a melancholic escape their overly inward tendencies and “get outside of themselves.”

With Phlegmatic Spouse/Child

“Pusillanimity … the choleric does not know,” says Fr. Hock. So, he may interpret the phlegmatic temperament as sheer weakness. He might accuse a spouse of being lazy or a child of being a wimp. He can’t stand their lack of drive. Yet, the calm and steady presence of a phlegmatic can help to balance him and can teach him to learn true leisure and restfulness instead of the constant grind of achieving. And, because of their natural ability to jump on board, the phlegmatic can be helped by joining in the drive of the choleric.

With Another Choleric

Fr. Hock says that a choleric has“two heads and no heart,” which means that if two cholerics collide, heads are going to roll! Two cholerics can either charge into the same battle or charge into one another, so deep communion is important. Battles of will and dominance will not go well. He might accuse the spouse or child of being insubordinate, hardheaded against his leadership. Yet, when united to each other and Christ, their shared goals and fortitude can set the pace of a home toward heaven.

Helpful Saints

• St. Ignatius of Loyola: conversion of will and disciplined zeal
• St. Paul: passionate, fearless leadership tempered by divine love

Recommended Reading

• “Guidance to Heaven” by Cardinal Bona (helps show how dangerous wrath and other passions can be if not tempered)
• “Introduction to the Devout Life” by St. Francis de Sales (strong plan of life but tender humanity)
• “Humility of Heart” by Fr. Cajetan da Bergamo (counteracts pride)

Good Scripture Verses for a Choleric Father and Husband

• Colossians 3:21: Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart.
• Colossians 3:19: Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
• Mark 10:42 and following is critical for the choleric: “Do not lord your authority over them…”

Prayer They Need But Won’t Like

• Litany of Humility

When Mixed With Other Temperaments

Choleric/Sanguine: “The Pace-Setter”

• Strengths: Boldness, Initiative
• Weaknesses: Busyness, Bossiness, Lack of Self-Control
• Common Vices: Pride, Rashness, Vanity, Lust, Envy
• Virtues Needed: Humility, Self-Control, Prudence (as in Deliberation)

 

Choleric/Melancholic: “The Problem-Solver”

• Strengths: Perseverance, Loyalty, Initiative
• Weaknesses: Bossiness, Envy
• Common Vices: Pride (as well as Intellectual Pride), Anger, Cynicism
• Virtues Needed: Humility, Cooperation, Compassion,Gratitude

 

Melancholic Father

The eyes of the melancholic father are reflective, grave, and knowing. His steps are more serious, weighty, and reliable. His hands are slower to react than others, but once they are oriented, they are set like flint.

The melancholic father is deeply impacted by impressions made on him, which easily root deeply. Fr. Hock says he is like a “post” that is driven into the ground — the deeper it goes, the harder it is to pull out. This makes him able to enter into deeper senses of the faith, like contemplation of literary traditions. But what impressions are made are important, because they are not easily pulled out.

Key Traits: Reflective, idealistic, sensitive, perfectionist

Family Influence

The melancholic father can have a very deep interior life, have a great appreciation for leisure and depth in conversation — all of these can be very grounding to a family. He is always able to see the serious side of life, has more emotional understanding than others, and grasps the moral seriousness of someone’s actions. Yet, this intuitiveness, deep thought, and perfectionism can make him seem sad, distant, and judgemental, which can do great harm to relationships. His perfectionism can assist or debilitate a shared task. He is never finished turning things over in his mind, which can make him fear firm decisions and be withdrawn when he needs to make them. Without courage, his despondency can tempt him to despair and to “give up the ship,” as Fr. Hock says. But, his love and loyalty to his family will be of great help as they can be there to pull him out of himself.

What Anger Looks Like

The anger of a melancholic is slow to erupt because it is deep and long-lasting, but if it does finally come out, it will be sharp and premeditated, because he has brooded over it. He’ll hold on to it. Remorse and even deep contrition will not be enough. His insistence on justice will make mercy difficult, and his feeling of being harmed will justify his excess. He is tempted to think, “Why would I ever trust him again?”

What Finances Look Like

The melancholic father will tend to be very conservative and analytical in his finances, perhaps miserly in his reserve. Although he is not inclined to embrace suffering, if he is set on a thought-through course, he is a reliable saver. This might be contradicted at times with emotional spending, when he tries to feel better through material goods. His conservatism might discourage him from taking risks like starting a business or making a big move, which can keep finances on a steady increase. However, his financial fortitude might keep him in a job that makes him unhappy, which can make him feel passive and defeated by the needs of his family and create resentment. Financial unknowns and insecurity are debilitating and cause great anxiety, which he can import into himself and feel like a failure. “We had all of these kids, and now I’m failing them.” His fear of loss can pass on to kids the sense that the world is scarce and loss is lurking around every corner.

Community Influence

Community life is a great challenge to the melancholic father. He easily withdraws and seems “slow [to commune] and awkward” from the outside, notes Fr. Hock. Because of his depth of thought, small talk is difficult. Because he is a perfectionist, defects in others (work or character) are noted, and he’s quick to categorize people. But when he trusts, he becomes a “great benefactor” to others and the loyalest of friends, capable of inspiring high ideals and giving solid counsel. These gifts, however, are rarely shared because of what Fr. Hock calls a “peculiar pride” caused by such a great fear of humiliation and wounds that it is prone to hide its talents under the bushel basket, happy to let others lead “even if they are less qualified and capable,” Fr. Hock says. Even slight defects in others cement in his mind and serious offenses lead him to such resentment and unforgiveness that “he does not want to speak to [the offender] and is exasperated by the very thought of them.” Paradoxically, even in the face of these challenges, his rootedness and loyalty to his people can lead him to be a hidden pillar in a community.

Virtues That Come Easily

Compared to others, the melancholic father is refreshing because of his lack of boasting, his reverence for God and others, his natural temperance, his humble demeanor, and his purity. Although natural hope doesn’t come easily (something akin to optimism), supernatural hope can easily become his most pronounced virtue because he sees clearly that this life does not fulfill us totally and, therefore, he is ready to recognize that this world pales in comparison to the next. Prayer and contemplation come more easily to him. His perfectionism, if grounded in prayer, is a great aid to spiritual growth.

Vices That Come Easily

The vices of a melancholic father will tend toward general negativity, like being scrupulous or looking at everything from “the dark side,” says Fr. Hock. He struggles with joy and trust, and his vivid imagination can blur reality. Temptation to perpetual negativity can cause him to be pessimistic, which is a sin against hope. His over-sensitivity allows him to be easily wounded, which leads to resentment and hatred, and the sin of unforgiveness. Although he is not prone to things like gluttony from a sheer love of pleasure, his fear of suffering can lead him to cope with sadness by indulging the flesh.

Countering these vices will require the cultivation of “great confidence in God and a love for suffering,” says Fr. Hock, things that don’t come easily but, when they do, are great aids. He must keep himself occupied with good works and “resist every feeling of aversion, diffidence, discouragement, or despondency, so that these evil impressions can take no root in the soul.”

How He Responds to Other Temperaments

With Sanguine Spouse/Child

A melancholic can easily see the joviality of a sanguine child or spouse as shallow and inconstant, thinking them to be more of a flirt or even a fraud. The sanguine need to be social seems excessive, and they may think it teeters on disloyalty to the family itself when it seems to “pull” too hard outward. They might even accuse them of being too forgiving and letting others take advantage of them and, by extension, the family. Despite this, the sanguine’s good nature can help soften and orient the melancholic father out of himself.

With Choleric Spouse/Child

A choleric child or spouse can seem extremely intense and insensitive to the melancholic father. The choleric’s tendency to forget the pains of others as they pursue their changing goals might mix very poorly with the melancholic’s sensitivity to offense and perfectionism. The melancholic might think the choleric is just an insensitive jerk. But, because the melancholic appreciates consistency and follow through, the choleric’s ability to “deliver on promises” makes them a trustworthy ally, a sort of outward help to the inward tendencies of the melancholic father.

With Phlegmatic Spouse/Child

A phlegmatic child or spouse will easily irritate the melancholic father primarily in their apparent apathy. The grave father cannot understand the indifference of the calmer and less touchy counterpart. His seeming inability to feel wounded, in fact, might make him think he’s without feeling or even weak in the mind. His passivity is interpreted to be indifference to the melancholic’s suffering. But, the phlegmatic child or spouse can also be of great consolation, because their soothing calmness is dependable and loyal, qualities the melancholic loves easily.

With Another Melancholic

Two melancholics can live at peace together, but if they do not have balance from other temperaments, their tendencies can fill a home with endless fear and anxiety. They will commiserate in their perceived injuries and confirm each other’s suspicions of outsiders, not only “licking their own wounds” but also receiving into themselves offenses committed against the other melancholic, compounding their sadness. However, with self-knowledge of the slippery slope, they can also counsel each other toward greater forgiveness and be present for one another to help process their emotions and make it through dark times together.

Helpful Saints

• St. Thérèse of Lisieux: gentleness and trust amid emotional sensitivity
• St. John of the Cross: spiritual darkness as purification

Recommended Reading

• “Story of a Soul” by St. Thérèse (learning simple trust amid emotional experiences)
• “Light and Peace: Instructions for Devout Souls to Dispel Their Doubts and Allay Their Fears” by Fr. R. P. Quadrupani (trusting in God’s endless love for them)
• “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence” by Fr. de Caussade (God can use all to save us)

Good Scripture Verses for a Melancholic Father and Husband

• 1 Peter 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.
• 2 Corinthians 2:19: [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
• Psalm 23 (the whole chapter): The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…

Prayer They Need But Won’t Like

• Litany of Trust by the Sisters of Life

When Mixed with Other Temperaments

Melancholic/Phlegmatic: “The Scholar”

• Strengths: Discernment, Self-Control, Loyalty
• Weaknesses: Cowardice
• Common Vices: Despair, Cynicism, Intellectual Pride, Cowardice
• Virtues Needed: Courage (as in Audacity) Prudence (as in Decision), Humility, Cooperation

Melancholic/Choleric: “The Goal-Setter”

• Strengths: Perseverance, Loyalty
• Weaknesses: Bossiness
• Common Vices: Despair, Anger, Wrath, Intellectual Pride
• Virtues Needed: Courage (as in Audacity), Humility, Compassion, Obedience

Sanguine Father

The eyes of the sanguine father are cheerful, friendly, and carefree. His steps are light-footed and quick, almost like a dance. His hands are raised in a toast to life and the praise of what is good.

The joviality of the sanguine father easily lifts a family to celebrate the faith, to enjoy the festive side of it all, and to understand St. Paul’s call to “rejoice always.” He’s the father who will lift spirits with a spontaneous fishing trip and be ready to cheer everyone up. But, for all his warm joyfulness, he can also tend toward being inconstant and unstable in his ways and will need to learn to ground his light-heartedness.

Key Traits: Outgoing, warm, spontaneous, pleasure-seeking

Family Influence

The sanguine father can be like a good song coming on the radio right when spirits are down or tense. The sanguine father, when well formed and disciplined, is an icon of the spontaneity of virtue, being able to do what is right without thought or deliberation. The downside, however, is that without discipline and direction, he will easily disrupt the order of a house. He will easily charge for a new and exciting idea, but it won’t last, like zealously writing in a new calendar, but then never looking at it again. He can seem to be only about “externals” and superficiality, and is reasonably accused of being flirtatious and vain. Without a grounding or dedication to family, he can be easily persuaded to “imprudent and even shameful sins,” says Fr. Hock. His desire to be liked by others can lead him to seek out new and exciting him, and when he does something kind, he is sure to let other people know about it. Because he loves the moment and isn’t easily attentive to the big picture, he can spend his money on fun while failing to pay his own bills. He needs others’ help to be financially responsible, and will need his spontaneity to be disciplined with a budget and long-term vision, which he is very unlikely to create himself. So, he’s quick to buy dinner for a busy mom, which makes her temporarily relieved, but then he might also quickly finance a new car because the test drive was enjoyable. His consistently rash decisions might lead to grave financial situations, which he then wants to escape quickly and easily, leading to frantically enacted plans that might be imprudent. He’s easily “sold” by good marketing and hates to miss a deal.

Community Influence

The sanguine father is the life of a party. He creates an atmosphere where people can let their guard down and “be real” with one another. The sanguine father might even be confused as to why people so easily reveal struggles and pains to him, but he just makes it seem easy to do so. However, if he drops the ball on communication, misuses information through gossip or jokes, or even forgets what has been shared with him, the people who shared their hearts with him can feel his lack of follow-up as a slight or proof that he is duplicitous or fake. Fr. Hock notes that because sanguine fathers love to crack jokes and can easily let offenses go, he is “surprised if [others] are vexed on account of his mockery or improper jokes.” So he can be the life of the party and the source of scandal at the same time. His penchant for vanity, strong desire to be liked, and a love for pleasure will allow for all sorts of vices if not checked, from childishness to excessive drinking.

Virtues That Come Easily

The virtues of a real friend come out in a sanguine father. He easily lends the encouragement and joy that is so needed in this valley of tears. This makes virtues of charity, generosity, hospitality, and patience easier for him. He is quick to forgive and cannot hold a grudge unless severely offended. He is not defiant or obstinate, and is very quick to repent and humble himself once he recognizes his error.

Vices That Come Easily

The sanguine father needs to guard against all sins of the flesh, jealousy, envy, and flattery. His bursts of energy can ironically be followed by laziness. Prudence, which means carefully deliberating and seeing tasks through to the end, is not his strong suit. Without discipline and accountability, his inconsistency will catch up to him. He can also fall into social sins that lead him astray because he will follow bad company if he views them to be enjoyable, or they reward his ego by making him feel liked. Because of these tendencies, perseverance will need to be imposed from “outside” of the sanguine father in the form of rules for life, accountability to others, and firm commitments to mortifications. He also needs to pause and seek guidance more often than is natural to him.

Temperament Interactions in Family

With Melancholic Spouse/Child

The sanguine father will find empathizing with a melacholic difficult. Because he can so easily “move on,” he might accuse the melancholic of overthinking everything and needing to loosen up. For him, however, the melancholic slows him down and helps him gain depth and see commitments through. And, if he can keep the confidence of the consistent and firm melancholic, he can be the very source of encouragement and joy that they need and, in return, they ground him and help him stay committed to the right things.

With Choleric Spouse/Child

The demand for completed action from a choleric spouse or child will irritate a sanguine father. He’ll accuse his choleric wife of trying to dominate him and take the joy out of life (i.e., being a nag). Yet, if he lets her hand him a list and he sticks to it, it can greatly help him stay focused, which is very hard for him. The sanguine loves to start projects, but he likely needs a choleric to help get it done. And, when they work well together, a sanguine can help a choleric keep things like work and goals more enjoyable, even fun.

With Phlegmatic Spouse/Child

Although not as driven as the choleric father, the sanguine is still excitable to action, so the passivity and apparent sluggishness of the phlegmatic child or spouse will irritate a sanguine father. If he sees their apparent passivity as a reflection of his weaker points (like poor follow-through), he can easily be enraged at them. However, because they can easily go with the flow, the phlegmatic can help the sanguine father to enter into endeavors and ideas with more calm. If well-ordered, they can enjoy each other’s company quite easily.

With Another Sanguine

Sanguine fathers love company, but that doesn’t always mean they enjoy another sanguine as much. Because he is prone to self-focus, another sanguine might seem to be taking the spotlight. He can also spot their faults easily as a sanguine and, therefore, appear hypocritical in his attempts to remove splinters from their eyes. Yet, when united, sanguines are true joys and bubbling sources of encouragement and love.

Helpful Saints

• St. Philip Neri: joyful holiness and emotional maturity
• St. Josemaría Escrivá: discipline and direction in sanctifying work

Recommended Reading

• “The Introduction to the Devout Life” by St. Francis de Sales (firm but gentle in giving direction)
• “The Spiritual Combat” by Dom Scupoli (teaches one to question motives and self)
• “The Imitation of Christ” by Thomas à Kempis (anchors the soul)

Good Scripture Verses for a Sanguine

• Ephesians 4:14: We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming.
• Romans 6:11-13: So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, do not let sin exercise dominion in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. No longer present your members to sin as instruments of wickedness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and present your members to God as instruments of righteousness.
• 1 Peter 5:8: Discipline yourselves, keep alert. Like a roaring lion, your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour.

Prayer They Need But Won’t Like

• Prayer for Ordering a Life Wisely by St. Thomas Aquinas

When Mixed with Other Temperaments

Sanguine/Phlegmatic: “The Diplomat”

• Strengths: Loyalty, Good Stewardship, Trustworthiness
• Weaknesses: Lack of Self-Control, Cowardice, Inconstancy
• Common Vices: Lust, Rashness, Vanity, Intellectual Pride
• Virtues Needed: Courage (as in Perseverance), Self-Control, Humility

Sanguine/Choleric: “The Life-of-the-Party”

• Strengths: Boldness, Initiative, Loyalty
• Weaknesses: Lack of Self-Control, Bad Stewardship, Busyness
• Common Vices: Rashness, Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Vanity
• Virtues Needed: Courage (Perseverance), Humility, Justice, Prudence

Phlegmatic Father

The eyes of a phlegmatic father are very steady, calm, and present. His steps are more of a stroll, steadying the pace of the busy. His hands are gentle.

The peacefulness of the phlegmatic father is an ever-ready presence to his family. He is a man of the sabbath, capable of deep rest and leisurely enjoyment. He is the father who will receive into his heart every sort of person without prejudice or judgment. For him empathy is easy. But, for all of his calmness, he can also tend toward a passivity that is best overcome by having the responsibility of fatherhood.

Key Traits: Peaceful, steady, reserved, diplomatic

Family Influence

The phlegmatic father can be imagined sitting on a porch swing as if he had been waiting for you all day. His lap is the perfect place for a tantruming child to find a listening ear and a sense of calm. He more easily avoids any tendency to harshness and overreaction. It is hard to imagine him as prideful. Yet, the very dangerous temptation is for him to be completely passive, working against his vocational call as a man and father to bring order, discipline, and direction to a family. Because he can so easily go with the flow, he can be very likable but also very ineffective. He may lose a job because of his low production, but his termination is communicated with sad- ness because “everyone liked him.” His reactions are “feeble or entirely missing,” says Fr. Hock, which at home may leave his spouse begging for him to do something about this or that need. He is not overly anxious if he fails, but if left to his own devices, he can let the status quo continue even if it needs to change. Family life, however, can be his salvation because the needs of wife and children may be his greatest motivation to action, and once the household has order, he can keep it that way.

What Anger Looks Like

Even under fiery assault or offense, the phlegmatic father remains calm and recollected. He is not easily roused, and if he does punish or strike back, it is composed and deliberate. In fact, be- cause anger is a necessary passion to a man (helping him recognize and correct injustice), the phlegmatic father may have to learn how to be angry at the right things in the right way, instead of moderating his reactions the way the other temperaments must. “I’m not so sure that was a good idea,” he says calmly to a child doing grave wrong in need of swift correction.

What Finances Look Like

A phlegmatic father will not conflate financial success with virtue, yet his lack of drive can slowly strain a family’s finances because he simply doesn’t push himself. Yet, because he likes to avoid the stress of finances and can easily follow a plan, saving is not difficult for him, and with the right occupation, his ability to enter into a work for the long haul allows him to often be a depend- able person on a team. And, because his needs and desires for material goods are not based on strong passions, he can be naturally frugal and content. His family will likely be the source of inspiration that finally gets him “out there” so that he doesn’t just coast.

Community Influence

The phlegmatic father is not going to go out and find some need to fill in a community, but when he is called upon, he’ll be a faithful brother. His reliability can easily build his social credibility, and although he’ll never take charge ahead of someone, he’s there for everyone. He inspires by his example more than his initiative. He needs leaders, however, because he simply may not perceive what needs to be done, and his tendency to passivity could allow him to drift out of his community without a constant invitation back in or without firm bonds. The flip side is that he can easily be used by others in an excessive way, so he must learn to say “no.” He does not demand much from his community and is not easily offended, so he is rarely part of “the drama” that comes occasionally. He may be very inclined to ease, says Fr. Hock, but he is also like the tortoise that wins the race by steady progress.

Virtues

The sins of pride, wrath, and stubbornness are not strong temptations to the phlegmatic father. He may not show initiative, but he is dutiful. This allows him to portray beautifully the gentile and humble virtues like patience and meekness. Because he does not easily give or take offense, he is truly blessed as a man of peace and, with the cultivation of good habits, can easily turn his apparent apathy into fortitude.

Vices

Vices related to ease and comfort come very easily to the phlegmatic father. Effeminacy, which classically refers to an unwillingness or inability to sacrifice (not just being “girly”),is common. He very easily neglects his duties, so comfort-seeking, sloth, and overindulgence are constant temptations of things to do in place of things he ought to do. His tendency to be sedentary and indulge can easily lead to poor health, which may also affect his ability to lead as a father. These vices are countered primarily by simple discipline, rules of life, and accountability.

Temperament Interactions in Family

With Choleric Spouse/Child

A choleric spouse or child will irritate a phlegmatic father by demanding too much. It isn’t that his pride doesn’t want to take direction, but he just can’t relate to the drive for so many completed goals. However, the calm of the phlegmatic can balance the drive of the choleric, and their “blending” is a great image of what cooperation looks like. He is visibly and vocally pleased at the drive and initiative of his family, and because he has no need to compete, can praise and affirm effort genuinely and without reservation.

With Sanguine Spouse/Child

A phlegmatic father may wade into the many projects and fleeting passions of a sanguine child or spouse and see it as disorganization and chaos. He can’t relate with so much erratic initiative. Yet, if he can join in, the phlegmatic father can help slow the sanguine down and, ironically, keep him or her on task, and the sanguine can help him get up and do something. And, the sanguine spouse or child is appreciated for their levity and joy.

With Melancholic Spouse/Child

A phlegmatic father is somewhat of a blank slate because he is receptive to what is happening around him. Therefore, he may feel like the melancholic child or spouse is “dragging him down” with them in their bouts of sorrow or brooding. He perceives it as simple pessimism. However, the structure and calm of the melancholic can reinforce his calmer qualities and enable him to join him in peaceful leisure.

With Another Phlegmatic

Two phlegmatics can easily enjoy each other’s company, but unless the culture and atmosphere around them is oriented and ordered, that can augment their penchant for passivity. But, they can also reinforce each other in bringing peace to some of the more volatile tendencies in other temperaments. A phlegmatic father will be more able to sympathize with a spouse or child who shares his ways, and can therefore guide them with more understanding and less ridicule than others.

Helpful Saints

• St. Joseph: silent strength and dutiful love
• St. André Bessette: persistent and joyful presence with a simple task

Recommended Reading

• “Introduction to the Devout Life” by St. Francis de Sales (intentionality without overwhelming)
• “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence (recognizing the power of the recollected moment)
• “Spiritual Combat” by Lorenzo Scupoli (inspires initiative)

Good Scripture verses for a phlegmatic father and husband

• Revelation 3:16: So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.
• Romans 12:9-12: Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
• Galatians 6:10: So then, whenever we have an opportunity, let us work for the good of all, and especially for those of the family of faith.

Prayer He Needs But Won’t Like

• Traditional collect to the Holy Ghost

When Mixed with Other Temperaments

Phlegmatic/Melancholic: “The Planner”

• Strengths: Loyalty, Trustworthiness, Good Stewardship, Self-Control, Discernment
• Weaknesses: Cowardice, Inconstancy
• Common Vices: Cynicism, Laziness, Cowardice
• Virtues Needed: Greatheartedness, Courage, Compassion

Phlegmatic/Sanguine: “The Peacekeeper”

• Strengths: Trustworthiness, Good Stewardship, Discernment
• Weaknesses: Cowardice
• Common Vices: Cowardice, Laziness
• Virtues Needed: Greatheartedness, Obedience, Courage